Humble or Prideful.
Transparent or Ambiguous.
Modest or Arrogant.
My life is not what I thought it would be. Some days, my life is not what I want it to be. There are moments of weakness that I cry out to God asking why my life is the way it is at 24 years old. I have moments where I lie in bed because staying there is easier than “dealing with my life.” After a few minutes, I get up, get dressed, and move on. I go on about my day and almost no one knows that I am having a struggle.
Forced Humility
During my time in college, I presented myself as a solid, grounded woman who never felt the ground under her shake. I looked confident, steady, and sure. Most days that was the case too. I hardly ever shared with others the circumstances that I face because I felt that I should be known by my faith or my confidence in the Lord – not someone with an unusually hard situation. I would squirm when I would be given praise for my steadfastness in tribulations and I would redirect the conversation saying, “I don’t mind, really. It’s my family.” I would consider myself being humble about my situation, now I think it was prideful.
I was being prideful because simply being stoic about the situation would make the conversation over quickly. Talking about my life, about the struggle of having a father who is disabled enough to be in a nursing home was too difficult for me. Instead of being transparent and helping others grow and learn, I carried it all inside. I would rather be perceived as unwavering than show vulnerability. Instead of being transparent, I was ambiguous.
Learning Transparency
But about nine months ago, the Lord found a way to shake that out of me. I was soon to be married, and while I can share anything with my best friend, I realized that I had to be transparent with others to truly show the marvelous love story between Nick and I that God had written in our lives. Without being truly honest about the weight I have carried in my heart about my dad, others cannot fully see how Nick helps carry me through with his experience of losing his father. Without showing the level to which I help my parents, Nick’s selflessness is not fully experienced.
I have learned that being transparent about your struggles does not make you weak. It does not make your faith small. It does not burden others. Being transparent about my struggles shows the strength of the Lord. While I face situations that typically aren’t seen until later in life, I am able to show the steadfastness and faithfulness of Christ. It is only through Christ that I can wake up each day without feeling defeated.
Into Action
I have decided to be transparent. I hope you watch MTV on July 16th at 11:00 p.m. as I make the first step of showing myself vulnerable.
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