I had the scariest day of my life today. I felt a rush of fear and helplessness stronger than I ever experienced. All of this before noon.
At the end of May, I took my mom to the ER because her heart was pounding so hard that I could see her whole body move with it (All 4’11” 104 pounds of her). After almost a week in the hospital, we found that she had an atrial septal defect. In her case, she had two holes between the chambers of her heart that needed to be closed.
We had an appointment with a specialist and were given the good news that the repair could be made through a minimally-invasive procedure that could get her out of the hospital either the same day or the day after. She just had to wear a heart monitor for 24 hours. A followup appointment later, we are scheduling for her to have a different procedure to fix an atrial fibrillation.
After sending off my mom, I went to the waiting room with Nick and my dad. We were warned that the procedure was going to take around 4 hours, so we got breakfast and coffee. A short while later we were back in the waiting room and dozing in and out of sleep.
“Dr. [something] please report to the EP lab.”
I hear the announcement over the intercom. That’s where my mom is. Who is this doctor? Why do they need him there? I looked him up on the hospital website. He is a heart surgeon. My mind starts racing and my palms get sweaty. Why would a heart surgeon need to be paged to my mom’s catheter procedure?
“Code blue, EP lab. Code blue.”
My heart dropped. The air came out of my chest. I’ve binged watched enough episodes of Grey’s Anatomy and have enough friends in the medical field to know what a code blue is. My mom was in some sort of cardiac trouble. I looked over at Nick and whispered past my sleeping dad that it was my mom. He tried to reassure me that it could be anyone, but his words just sounded like he was talking through water to me.
Critical
A short while later a doctor I didn’t recognize was walking towards us. He introduced himself and said that the doctor sent him to speak with us. The wire from the catheter had punctured her heart and she has lost a lot of blood. She is critical. She had lost a lot of blood, but they were replacing it and giving her fluids. The doctor then said that they had called surgeons for help and that they were doing everything they could.
But that’s all that we know right now.
The doctor tried his best to reassure us and asked if we understood. I heard Nick and my dad say yes but all I could do was stare at the doctor. I knew that it was all they knew for sure at the moment but I couldn’t stop asking myself, “What kind of update is that?” Should I be preparing myself to say goodbye? Was this it?
This was a situation so dire and out of my control that I was at a loss of how to even respond. My eyes filled with hot tears and my lip started to quiver. There is nothing I can do. I quickly began to pray. I prayed for my mom, for her surgeons, for my dad, for anything. I had to put my faith in the doctors now.
A little while later, my mom’s doctor comes out. She is finally stable, but needs to have open heart surgery. The tear is under control now, but it is too dangerous to allow her out. They had to replace 8 units of blood and is very likely to go into shock from the blood loss. She was on her way to the OR to have the tear repaired.
This was an emergency “life saving” surgery.
Hours have passed and we have been told that the hole was fixed and that the surgeon was also repairing her original septal defect. He said that she did go into shock, so she will have a long recovery. We have had several surgeons come talk to us as of right now and things are looking better, but she is not out of the woods yet. She will remain sedated tonight and sometime tomorrow they will take her off the ventilator.
But I Will Still Praise Him
Sometimes God can use fear and helplessness to show you something you normally wouldn’t see. For someone like me who doesn’t like to cry in front of people and likes to fix situations quickly, you will find out that fear is the most effective way to get my attention. I don’t know much right now and I’m sure that I will continue to learn as this situation goes on, but here’s what I have seen:
God was, is, and will be in control.
The chances of a hole being punctured in a heart during this procedure is 4%. I know people who have had the same procedure done and were back on their feet within a few days. But the doctors responded quickly and one of the top surgeons in the area was in the hospital and repaired her heart. While the tear was being closed in her surgery, my mom’s surgeon saw that her septal defect was so large that it was highly unlikely it would have been closed with a catheter clip without complications. It was correctly closed in her surgery and she is now responding well with good vitals. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. -Romans 8:28
Transparency can bring you a flood of support.
In continuation of my previous realization about being transparent, I shared on social media the urgency of my situation in hopes for their prayers. I was overwhelmed with the amount of messages, texts and calls that I received. While I felt alone and helpless, I was encouraged that I had a whole team, and the body of Christ was behind me holding me up. The Lord has shown me a whole new level of fellowship that I have never experienced.
So what now?
I don’t know. Things are not in my control and I am reminded of that almost every day. But no matter what happens, I know my choice is clear – I will praise God. I will remain faithful. I will be an example of faith. And I will continue to show myself vulnerable.
With that being said, can you say a prayer for my family?
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