Sometimes I believe as Christians, we put too much pressure on ourselves to “be okay” with something. Because we know that the Lord has a bigger plan than we can see, we almost push ourselves to be at ease with it. It’s like if we make a statement about being unhappy or feeling like the situation is unfair, we are suddenly bombarded with questions about losing faith in God. While I would never abandon my faith for any reason, I do believe that we should be able to fully experience our feelings without being asked about our salvation.
I guess you could say that I have experienced an unusual number of difficult situations in my 24 years. I’ll admit, catching your father after he has a small stroke at 15 is a challenging thing to overcome. I don’t know anyone else my age who has to visit their parent in a nursing and rehab facility. However, it has provided me with countess opportunities to comfort a friend or a stranger. The faithfulness of God has been displayed through this situation. My father’s disability has shown me the selflessness and steadfastness of my husband. There have been so many tears that I have cried into his chest and no matter what, his arms are always around me comfort me. His resilience to overcome trials helps me look forward to seeing the spectacular father that he will be one day.
This past week has, by far, been the most challenging time of my life. The fear of losing a parent, and the feeling of that being right on your fingertips is something I would never wish on anyone. My mother has been the constant rock of my family and a spectacular example of a devoted wife. She is with my dad at the nursing home every.single.day. There is nothing she wouldn’t do for him. So the moment I saw her in the ICU, filled with wires, intubated, and so swollen that she was unrecognizable was the most painful moment of my life.
The goodness of God is something that I will never forget, but a heartbreak like that can certainly shake your confidence. The past couple of days I have found myself asking God why this had to happen? How can such a safe procedure go so bad? Are there any more surprises, because I can’t handle one more heartbreak. I am not okay. But I am not the only one who has spoken this way.
One of my favorite passages is Psalm 13:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
You know who wrote that? David. The man after God’s own heart. You know who else cried out to God in their pain? Jesus. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” – Matthew 27:46
I am in good company.
Today was a good day. After spending days visiting my mom and lots of tears, I have been in conversations with the medical staff about my mom’s right arm. She has opened her eyes a few times after surgery, moved her legs and left arm, but not the right arm. Days have gone by. A cat scan was performed on her and there was no bleed or obvious brain injury. There was no other explanation at the time besides this being a possible deficit from the surgery.
A neurologist came to perform an exam on her and I stepped out of the room and waited in the family lounge. 20 minutes pass by and her nurse comes back to get me. As I walk back to her room, my mom’s eyes are open and I see her left arm trying to get her ventilator out. She is moving her right arm. My mom looks at me and nods her head when I tell her that I am there and I love her. I grab her and and she squeezes it. I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of relief I experienced. Tears flooded my eyes. That was my mom. She was back. She is fighting.
This arm movement is a huge development. That hand squeeze was so much more than regaining function. That hand squeeze was a return. It was the return of my mother. It was the beginning of her fight back. It was one of the happiest moments of my life. Without feeling helpless these past few days, I would not have completely experienced the happiness of that hand squeeze.
Looking Up
Sometimes we have to be brought down to our lowest in order to fully appreciate the good things. One of my favorite verses is 1 Peter 5:10 “And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” Now, more than ever, that verse rings true to me.
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